I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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