seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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