If that was your dad, he is hot
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
