I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
