im six kinds of drunk right now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
