she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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