did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
