He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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