They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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