My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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