what day is it and did you see me today?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
