i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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