Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
PANTIES FOUND
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
