Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We named our party play list daddy issues
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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