I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
