I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
