i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
