I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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