Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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