I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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