I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
