I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize