My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
