all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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