Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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