It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
