Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
