She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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