oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
