Are we in a gay sports bar?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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