oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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