I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
