I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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