I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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