just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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