I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
