when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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