i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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