I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
