I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
