ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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