dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
