Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
