i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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