Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
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Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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