The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
