Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
