I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
too bad you live with your parents still
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
