He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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