Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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