the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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