Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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