I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
