Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
