pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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