I need help removing her.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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