She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
