it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
